So in the past few months, I have had to make a couple of trips out-of-state, which is unusual. My husband is the traveler – not me! I honestly don’t know how he does it because, these days, flying on commercial airlines is not only horribly aggravating and uncomfortable but, it’s also just plain disgusting! You really have the opportunity to see society at its worst! On a recent trip, I watched a grown man eat his own boogers and then I had to wade through old-man pee on the airplane bathroom floor. To end my day, I was forced to eat my meal staring into a strangers gleaming white butt crack!
So, my first trip was out to Northern California, to visit some of my husband’s family and friends. It was a horrible start to our flight: full strip and pat down in the security line, delayed plane, irritable people waiting for a delayed flight at 5:45 in the morning because the passengers managed to make it to the airport at the crack of dawn, but for some reason the pilot was running late – really! So we finally make our delayed flight (which was a 48 minute flight), only to barely make our connection – I mean we were running and in a full sweat trying to make it to the next leg of the flight (the 5 1/2 hour portion of the flight). We are the last to get on the plane but, miraculously, we made it!
At this point, we are well into the flight. My husband had been sleeping for about an hour and I was passing time by reading my book and watching the weirdo who was sitting diagonal to us. The man was pudgy, pasty white, and wearing a t-shirt trying to convince people that he had run in (but more likely he had worked in a covered booth at) a marathon for serious runners. This guy could not have made the run through the airport, that my husband and I just made, without being doubled over or having an asthma attack! He was also watching a very strange movie on his tablet. It was in a stand so I could actually watch all of the young women, in the movie, running around and screaming; it was extraordinarily strange! From very early on in the flight, this guy was ranking high on my creepy meter!
So, the flight attendant is now taking lunch orders. She gets to the chunky marathoner, and gives him the horrible lunch choices (a nasty chicken salad or a nasty creamy pasta) and takes his drink order. He asks if there is a vegetarian option. I find this interesting! This man is not in good shape! He is fairly young but, he looks unhealthy and his coloring is strange; this is not a man who is interested in taking care of himself! The flight attendant says she can remove the chicken from a salad. He says, “That will be OK. I just don’t eat meat for personal reasons”. We are next, so I wake my husband and ask what he wants to eat. She then takes my order, checks with the row behind us, and then returns to start making the drinks.
I look again at the pudgy, vegetarian, marathoner and I watch him as he raises a single finger and just holds it near his chest. Then, he slowly moves his pointer finger toward his nose. Finally, he gets to his right nostril and sticks that finger directly up his nose. He pulls out what I presume to be a booger, holds it on his finger for a moment, and then inserts it in his mouth! I watch his jaw move, and I realize my mouth is hanging open, as I am in disbelief. I was still horrified by what I had just witnessed, when the man then takes the same pointer finger and inserts it into his left nostril (which is in my full vision) and digs around in his nose. He then pulls something out and, again, holds it on his finger until the moment that he decided to shove it into his mouth! He has now inserted two big boogers into his mouth and I am feeling sick.
I was looking around and wondering if anyone else had witnesses this horror show. Was no one else aware of the vegetarian booger eater on the plane? Then, I found myself wondering if boogers were vegetarian? I wondered if he was going to use them as croutons on his salad or, were they replacing the chicken? Has any research been done into whether or not boogers are considered to be vegetarian? Are boogers protein? Do they contain nutrients? Was the man so desperate for a little protein, that he was willing to eat his own dirty boogers? This would require me to take a long hard look at my decision to be a vegetarian!
When my food came, I was too grossed out to eat it and, I was actually quite hungry. I had eaten a granola bar around 5:30 am, while waiting in the airport, but had been much more focused on my venti latte. Our morning flight was late and we had no time between our connection so, since very early this morning, we’ve had no time to eat or go to the bathroom. Now, I actually needed to pee. I waited until the flight attendant removed my tray and I headed to the airplane restroom.
I opened the door and had to take a step back from the terrible smell; I decided to try to hold my breath. I looked at the floor and there was pee everywhere; this restroom was a disaster! As a tiny woman, there is nothing worse than having to squat over one of these airplane toilets because, in an attempt to keep from touching the urine-soaked toilet seat, you must really stick your butt back and lean your head forward until your head almost touches the door – the filthy, germ-covered, never been cleaned, stinky, airplane bathroom door! So, I pee as quickly as possible while looking at the sticky, wet, floor and wonder what animals have been using this bathroom!
I open the bathroom door, fill my lungs with the urine-free air, and look at the two rows of men sitting in front of us. I stand there for a moment (pretending to stretch) as I slowly check out the old, balding, white guys chugging cheap Chardonnay like it was water. No wonder the bathroom floor was such a mess! These old men were drunk from the unlimited airplane wine, and could not figure out how to get their pee into the actual toilet bowl; imagine if they had to squat over the bowl like a woman – there would be a flood! I get back to my seat and watch as the booger-eater stands to go to the bathroom. He leaves his ear buds in and takes his, very large, tablet with him to the bathroom. I was just in there! There was no safe place to sit his tablet. And why is he taking it in there anyway? I was getting a bad feeling!
Eventually, we landed and I felt exhilarated walking off of that plane! We were off to pick up our rental car. We could sit in an area that did not smell like a horse stall, and I would not have to watch strange people eat crusty stink particles right out of their noses. We still had about a 1 and 1/2 hour drive to Napa Valley. It was raining outside but, I enjoyed the quiet drive! We were already a day late meeting his family (they were already at a wine tour and luncheon), so we decided to stop at one of our favorite restaurants for a late lunch. We did not have a reservation and this is a very well-known and recognized restaurant in Napa Valley so, we had to wait! Honestly, we were very lucky that it was raining so hard because, it was causing people to cancel. At a restaurant that books several months in advance, we were going to have about an hour wait.
I filled my time people watching; it was an interesting crowd. There were locals, and couples vacationing, and groups of friends talking. One group of girls was standing right beside us at the bar and, they stood out from the locals. They all wore tight jeans with t-shirts, vests, scarves, and fedora hats in contrasting colors and prints – it was a lot to take in! They were pushy and rude, while they drank their wine, and gossiped about some poor girl who didn’t make the trip with them from San Francisco. After 45 minutes of waiting the girls were seated and, 10 minutes later my husband and I were too.
By this point, it had been a very long day! We had gotten up at 3:45 am to get showered and drive to the airport for our early flight, which was delayed. It was now 3:30 pm California time, which meant it was 6:30 pm to us. We were excited to sit down to a delicious meal, and not the freeze-dried chicken that they serve on the plane. Just as I was telling my husband about why I lost my appetite on the plane, and how excited I was to have great food and beautiful scenery, I almost choked on my salad! I put down my fork, picked up my wine glass, and motioned to my husband. I muttered “Look”, and nonchalantly pointed my fork at the group of “San Francisco” girls that had been pushing me around at the bar.
My husbands eyes got huge and he started to choke on his bread. As he proceeded to beat on his chest, and try to stop laughing, I was shaking my head and saying, “This is just not my day!”. We were now trying to look away from the strangers fully exposed butt, that was staring me right in the face. This girl was wearing very tight and low-cut jeans, with a short shirt, vest and scarf. When she sat down, her full butt crack was exposed! But, when she leaned forward, to reach for the shared food in the middle of their table, her ENTIRE butt was showing. I even said to my husband, “She has got to be commando! There is no way she is wearing panties! Can an entire pair of panties just disappear up someone’s butt crack? You can literally see her entire butt and into the top of her jeans”, which were on the seat of the chair. My husband shuddered at the thought of this girl’s butt crack eating her panties.
We were having a fantastic meal but, with every bite, I tried not to look at the “full moon” which was blazing just before me! As our dessert came, I heard a gasp come from the table right beside me. I looked over and saw the round table erupt with laughter, mixed with expressions of horror. I looked over at the local woman, who I could feel looking at me. I nodded, sighed, and said, “I know! It’s extremely hard to look away!” At this point the woman’s husband said, “I can’t believe you just noticed that; that is not like you! I saw that ages ago!” The wife replied, “Why didn’t you tell me?” The husband then said, “I didn’t think you would want to see that!”. What a gentleman!
I was aware of the local couple because our tables were very close together and I noticed the man’s southern drawl; it was very similar to mine. At their table, a southern man had married a California woman. We were the opposite; my husband is from California and I was born in the South. I’d heard the man talking about their homes (and plane) in the area, and his wife was covered in diamonds bigger than the local grapes – the couple definitely caught my attention! So anyway, the local couple called the hostess over and said, “Sara, Look!” The hostess, Sara, covered her mouth and then said, “EUWWW, GROSS! I am so sorry that you have to see that!” The young woman’s gleaming-white butt was becoming a spectacle but the San Franciscans’ , who were absorbed in their gossip, seemed to be completely oblivious. I would think that the cold draft of air wafting across her fully exposed buttocks would have been a clue, but no!
As my husband and I left, and we walked past our neighboring table, they looked to us and said,” We hope you enjoyed your lunch. It is unusual for pork butt to be on the menu!” Yikes! I would have felt sorry for the girl if she had not proceeded to elbow me, bump me, and slam her purse into me repeatedly, with ample room at the bar – she was just being nasty! I decided she may be experiencing a little dose of Karma! My husband and I walked out of the restaurant, got in the car, and discussed whether we should go to the house and unpack, or just go find his brother and start drinking immediately! It had been a very long day and we decided we were ready for a little less excitement, a little more red wine, and some scenery that will not make you want to scratch your eyes out – to the vineyard it is!!!