It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane – Nope, It’s A Chevy!

OK, so this was one of those days where all of the signs are telling you to just turn around and go home, but you cant.  I have had two sick kids and then, of course, I got their cold.  Due to the fact that I was so sick, I got very behind on things including getting my foot checked out.  I had been in a lot of pain and thought that I had probably broken my toe, but  there was not much that I could do about it.  After a few weeks, I could barely put any weight on it and I had to get it checked.  It turns out that I actually had two breaks, including one at my ankle – oops!   So anyway, the last four weeks had not been fun and, I really needed to get out and play catch-up.

The day started stressfully as we all overslept and were moving fast just trying to get out of the door.  Somehow I got the lunches made and the kids in the car and we started down our road.  I had not gone two blocks when a big black cat comes running down a rock wall and jumps right in front of my car.  I mean this thing almost landed on my hood; he barely missed me.  I slammed on the brakes and all of the backpacks, lunch boxes and jackets go flying across the car.  We are fine and the cat is fine, so we mosey on down the road.  We are leaving the neighborhood when some guy in a pickup truck is driving on the wrong side of the road and heading straight for us.  The man was looking down, and probably had no idea that he was in my lane, but he kept his foot firmly pressed on the gas pedal.  I, once again, came to a complete stop while trying to figure out what this moron was doing.  He was getting closer and not looking up, so I laid on the horn.  Right before he hit me, he looked up (swerved) and drove right into someones front yard.  I had gone 2 miles and had to slam on breaks twice.  This was looking like it was going to be a rough morning.

We drive for 10 more minutes and I watch as morons swerve at me from every direction.  This morning everyone is trying to dial a phone, read their email, drink a cup of coffee, and fix their oatmeal, while driving to work.  I sat at a stop light and watched the woman in front of me putting on eye makeup, smoking a cigarette, drinking her coffee, and talking on her phone all at the same time.  As the light turned green, she rolled down her window and tossed her (partially eaten) breakfast and drive-thru coffee right out the window.  The top came off of her coffee and it actually splashed on the car beside her, but that driver did not even notice since he was reading a paper.

I continued to drive, still basically unscathed, as I reached the interstate and merged into traffic.  I am in the far left lane and going over 70 miles an hour, when I look down the road and see something ahead of me.  It is large and white and looks to be blocking the entire lane.  I change lanes and start to slow down.  A bright red Chevy Malibu is coming up quickly.  He is driving in the left lane and I slow down further so that he will have room to get in front of me.  I see the large white object and can’t figure out what it could be.  I watch the Chevy getting closer to this huge object before him.  He is going fast and holding his course.  I stay well behind him and to his right.

We get closer and I realize that it is a mattress.  A huge road-blocking mattress is in the middle of the interstate.  It is literally covering the entire lane and the Chevy is not moving over.  I don’t understand how he can not see it!  A king size mattress is in the middle of his lane.  I slow even further.  I am now down to about 50 mph because I fear this idiot is going to swerve over at the last minute, but he does not swerve!  I sat and watched this person drive right over the mattress.  I was in a huge SUV and was not sure that I could could clear that thing.  But, this goofball drives his four door sedan right over that huge gleaming white mattress and does not even slow down.

When he hit the mattress, the car actually jumped.  Amazingly, the car kept moving but the mattress really didn’t.  The giant mattress held firm as the bottom of the car scraped a path right through it and then came down with a thud.  I heard another strange sound (probably the transmission falling out) and watched, in shear amazement, as the Chevy continued (but much slower) down the road.  I quickly arrived at the next exit (to turn toward my daughters school) and there, on the side of the road, was a black pickup truck.  The driver was standing at the back and was looking at the other mattress, and/or box spring, that was in the back of his truck.  He looked confused as he tried to figure out where the other half of his mattress set had gone.  Evidently he had not tied the pieces down and did not think that when he hit 65mph, his huge mattress set would sprout wings and fly away. I was running late and could not stick around to see when, or if, he would discover his chevy-plowed king size mattress lying 1/4 mile back in the road.

I was now on the long winding road and nearing the school when a family of deer come darting out in front of my car.  I slam on brakes and watch as four deer, one of which brushed my bumper, run across the road.  I start back up slowly and pull into the parking lot at my daughters school.  I was exhausted from the drive, but I got my child safely inside and then set out to deliver my son to school.

I drove much slower as I backtracked to the interstate which was good because a dog came darting out in front of my car.  A cute little basset hound came running out in front of me.  I avoided the dog and all other crazed Monday morning drivers and finally arrived at my son’s school.  I watched my son walk into the school and breathed a sigh of relief.  I then pulled out of the carpool line, and into a parking space, as I pondered which way to turn.  I wondered if I should continue with my plans to run errands, or just go home to the safety of my house.  I felt like with every turn, I was forced to face yet another test of driver reaction time, speed, and agility.  I was way too tired for this!

I am not superstitious but thought back to the start of my morning.  I thought about the black cat that almost landed on the hood of my car this morning.  Then, within minutes, we barely escaped a head-on collision.  Next, I watched as the person next to me drove through a spring-filled mattress, leaving his muffler behind  in the process.  Then, a deer bounced off of my front bumper and a little doggy ran out in front of me.  Is it safe to continue this day?   I would have to drive across town this afternoon to get my son to his speech appointment but, by then, I hoped all of the crazies would be at work or hiding in dark rooms trying to avoid the sunlight.  What a weird morning!  I felt like the universe was telling me to go home!  I wondered if I was being silly, so I called my husband to tell him about my morning and he said,  “There must be something in the air.  I saw something weird myself!”

My husband then said, “You know when I left this morning, it was still dark.  Well, I got up to the stop sign at the end of our street and almost ran into that tool guy; you know that old man who is always blowing leaves, or cutting his shrubs, just so that he can play with some huge piece of equipment.”  I said, “Yeah, the guy who is always playing with all of the weird tools, back packs, and leaf blowers.  The guy who does yard work in his best Polos, khakis and loafers!”  My husband then says, “Yeah, that one!  So I was pulling up to the stop sign and it was pitch black outside.   All of a sudden, my headlights hit this old man and he is standing in the middle of the road – almost naked!  He is not in his yard or driveway, but is just standing in the middle of the road in his underwear!  It was really weird!  He was kind of bent over, and all I could see was loose skin; it was hanging all over his body and it was hanging down low enough to cover his tighty whities.  Everything was low-hanging and just flapping in the breeze; I almost shuddered!  I did not know what to do, so I honked my horn at him.”   I said, “You honked at him!”  He said, “Yeah, he was standing in the middle of the street!  He was in the dark, and in his underwear!  I was not sure if he even knew where he was!  What was I supposed to do?”

I finally said, “OK, you win!  That was even weirder than having a black cat jump over my car, playing chicken with a unaware pickup truck driver, a deer bouncing of my bumper, and watching a Chevy plow through a mattress at 75 mph (all within a 30 minute period!).  What you experienced was just wrong!  Honestly, I’m glad it was you and not me!”   I then decided that my morning had not been so bad.  In fact, my morning may have been down right lucky!    I have decided to look at this day in a new light.  I got to see a man power-drive through a spring-filled mattress and my husband got to see fifty folds of flapping skin shimmering in the moonlight.  Hey, bring on the black cats!  It seems that today, I am one lucky lady!